IN AND OUT AND ROUNDABOUT

Chemo finished! In the end, was only 3 days worth, not the original 5 as I was told. Plus it was less strong than the stuff I had in August, so didn't have to go through the misery of feeling totally poisoned all over. I am tempted to say "what joy!" though that would be pushing it a bit...

Was sent home last Friday (14th) with my blood counts still up. Quiet weekend at grassmount. Saturday was a perfect harvest-festival kind of day. Lovely crisp light spilling through early autumnal trees and soft baby-blue skies. Holly berries starting to turn red, still the odd sweet-pea flowering plus a profusion of passion fruit flowers. Lisa and Mel dropped round for a cup of tea. Good to see old friends as I am starting to feel very holed up both physically and emotionally.

Now chemo is over the reality of transplant looms ever closer and I still find myself very conflicted over the process. Have had endless discussions with consultants, doctors, nurses, family and friends and it is still a hard call to make. My reality is not so bright . My rare tissue type means there is no match out there, despite a world wide search. The half match i have with my brother (known as haplo identical) has now been dismissed as a not a viable option. So now in am left with the final possibility which is a "double cord blood stem cell transplant" which is using stem cells from the umbilical cord. This method of transplant takes longer to graft and for the new immune system to get up and running properly. So the likelihood is that I won't be very well for some time as i will be without a working immune system, so very susceptible to a range of infections. Plus up to eight weeks in isolation. Which is an awful long time... The transplant is due to take place in mid november. I will need a ton of positive thinking, prayers to all and any gods plus anything else to will my recovery. The future scares me big time so I must just try and focus on the other side of transplant nightmare and believe that I will make it through and touch the end of the rainbow. I don't want crocks of gold - just to carry on living. Being in my studio, sea air on my face, united winning, garden pottering, sky watching, driving in my car...all the ordinary stuff of everyday.

Oh and here's a thing - almost forgot - was re-admitted to hospital on Monday night with a high temperature. Am in a single room (with stunning view of St Paul's and the city) and loaded up with heavy duty antibiotics. I guess it is neutropenia sepsis again as my counts dropped over the weekend and I now have no neutrophils to protect me from germs etc. Hopefully won't be in here too long. But in the meantime I can lie in my bed and look out and see a 'thighs worth' of the Shard.

Tired. More soonish. Big wave to you all... tch xx